2020

This year started out just fine. My Taurus sun has already planned everything throughout the year – I'll be finishing my internship program + graduating on the mid-year, and wide-open job opportunities are calling afterward. Until in March, the pandemic hits.  

At first, I was doing fine with the pandemic and started to like things better (esp. about how everything can be done from home) but sometimes the schedule could drive me crazy with the mixed up of work & life balance from finishing my college final project, internship work tasks, to life at home. Eventually, it didn't go as well as I started out. I was diagnosed with psychosomatic that triggered by heavy stress during the days and it was not easy at all to fully focus on the healing with my aim to finish everything all at once. 

As time went by, I finished it all with a tough heart. I finished both my internship task & my college final project with (my own version of) great achievements. I left a good mark. As I planned early on before, I let myself take a little downtime afterward as I started to look out for jobs. I was looking for everything that I could dream of because now is the time to worry less about my career and just doing what I've been dreaming of - a position as a creative copywriter, an internship at Google, an opportunity at a big studio, you name it. 

During this time, my brother who has always love to cook started to spend more time in the kitchen. I have never been really interested in cooking, until that time. I started to watch more often every time my brother cook and tried to explore more recipes on my own. In addition to that, our mother has always been a great chef at home. Since then, we always set a daily menu and take turns in the kitchen to cook every day. This is how Another Cook Blog starts as a log of our home-cookings, yet later become a weekly small business and one of our highlight this year.

Besides cooking for ACB, I also gave a lot of thought to my further plan. Do I really want to go to work this soon? Do I dare enough to try something new? It finally came to the conclusion that I want to take a Master's Degree in Japan, an idea that I used to refuse back in my undergraduate college years. I want to learn more things, as far as I can get. I want to know how it feels like to live in Japan. I want to know other people's perspective from another side of the world. I want to look and explore beyond the border. This is probably the time I can seize the opportunity, time, spirit energy to take further education. Since then, I started to learn Japanese every day, look for my dream college option and scholarship, watch more Ghibli and Japanese TV shows, and so on. 

After all, this year is not only about achievement and plans, not only about the things that I have on the outside but also on the inside. Being away from people and the routine really helps me to know myself more. It was really hard at the beginning because I didn't have any distractions at all from the things that happened inside my head - everything seems stuck inside and I can't get it out. In addition to that, I also had some issues with letting go. Letting go of people, routine, work, you name it. I still want to have everything all at once. It was a very hard shifting that I experienced as I am facing this lockdown season right after I finished my internship and final college project, ones that used to keep me really busy during the day, suddenly finished altogether. I used to be so scared to be the one left behind by the others.

It was not easy at all but I know that I need to learn to let go. So I tried to look for a positive distraction. I started to rebuild my morning routine from an early morning walk, meditate, followed by a slow and mindful breakfast. This really helps me to clear out my mind from all the mind fog and nonsense. I locked a limit to my daily schedule and I tried to work smarter instead of work harder. I started to fully accept and believe in no one but myself. I started to think about things more clearly. From now on, I believe that enough is enough and I don't need to achieve everything all at once nor any validation from anyone. The journey wasn't done in a day, but I pushed myself to get through it. Fast forward to the end of this year, I am confident and happy, more than ever. I define and believe in my own path, I feel confident with my own self, and I feel happy inside and outside. 

Despite everything that happened this year, I still can't imagine what I'd be without this pandemic season. I feel grateful more than ever for this year. For those who know me, I am not the kind of person who celebrates New Year's Eve but this time is different. I feel like I have unlocked a big chain this year and I am ready for whatever it takes in the new year. Happy holidays!

2019

A remarkable teacher of mine passed away by a heart attack and my good friend passed away on a major car crash. Both happen so suddenly, without any warning nor prediction.

My childhood friend, one that I used to be so close with, got married by accident. It got me pretty traumatic, guilty, and shocked for more than a month.

Dad lost his voice in the election. Not so long after that, he got into the parliament as the party's representative, and everything was slowly improving. But then it comes to an end.

This year I got to drive a car on my own, but also the time where I have to let go of my ride.

This year was the time where I got struck by a lot of bitter stories from the past that leads me to try very, very hard to made peace with my past, my closest circle, and the present situation.

But out of all things happened... This year, I have finally achieved self-acceptance after years of struggling with it. It was not easy at all and it takes a lot of time, courage, and process. This year, I went to Japan with my own money after two years of having it on the bucket list. This year, I am surrounded by the most loving friends that got my back.  This year, I also met the most amazing people that bring me to a lot of good experience, memory, self-growth, and countless blessings.

I might say my 2019 was rough, but the blessings I had this year was infinite it covers up the wounds. I believe the universe will always try to keep its balance if we keep believing. I deeply realize there are more untold stories out there that are worse than my side story. Nobody said it was easy, but look; We made it. Here's to a fresh start. One thing I wished for 2020; I hope everyone let everyone be happy.

Hear the unheard voices

I always trust my inner monologues, no matter how often it argues with me. For me, gut feeling and inner monologue are my best friends. They always help me with every decision that I have to make by myself. I dedicate this post to myself, to keep it as a self-reminder whenever I feel lost.

It may not be easy to trust the inner monologues, I also have doubts about them sometimes. But for me, having more confidence about yourself will help to sharpen the mind, that will leads to good inner monologues. I tried to apply this to my daily activities during work and everything else, and apparently, it works... So here are some important things I would like to keep, as follows:

First, I will work on my own brief. I don't always get a good brief. So I created one for myself to work on. I found it hard to work without a good brief; I feel lost, I don't know what to create, and I can't understand the purpose of my creation. Whenever I got a bad brief, I always try to translate it into my own words and the kind of brief that seems easier for me to work on. The brief that I created myself does not always have to be written, as long as I keep it clear on my mind. At the end of the day, I always find it easier to work that way. Besides I can understand my work even better, I don't have to rant about the bad brief that I got previously because hey, I can get through it!

In this case, my inner monologue always helps me out to set the so-called much easier brief for me to work on. First I always ask myself, what is the purpose of this creation? What kind of message that it wants to deliver? What are the things that I need to add or remove, in order to make it works? What does the client want, but can't be described briefly? How do I combine my idea with their needs? Could they work together? As the questions are popping out, the answer will follow and it will help to guide me through the brief and the work itself.

Then, I will always try to look and feel deeper. I solemnly realized how I need to be more critical and sensitive about everything I see. Sometimes I forgot to be more critical about the things that my eyes are consuming. Departing from the thought, from now on especially when I am feeding my brain and eyes, I always let my inner monologue asks a lot of things. How does it work? How could it happen to be that way? What makes it look good? Why does it use such amount of space?

And last but not least... I will try to stop making sense and not forget to have fun. Let me say this out loud. To my dear self, not everything has to make sense! When was the last time I didn't think too much over something? As much as I hate to admit this, I am an over-thinker. I think through things way too much sometimes I forgot about the fun part. Thanks to my inner monologue, sometimes it whispers to me to not forget to have fun. Things don't always have to work the way it should work, unexpected things won't always be the bad guy, there is always something worth to find out in new things, and don't ever limit yourself in order to make everything looks perfect.

Again... trusting my inner monologue helps me to keep me sane, as corny as it sounds. It really helps me to let go of a lot of unnecessary thoughts that could lead to stress. I will always try to listen deeper, hearing the unheard voices.

Menyambung Jeda

Dunia berputar dengan cepat sekali. Terkadang membuat saya lupa tentang apa yang sebenarnya saya kejar, tentang apa yang sebenernya saya cari, atau mengapa saya ikut tergopoh-gopoh berlari seperti semua orang lainnya.

(Berhenti. Ada jeda di sana.)

Lalu saya tertegun, betapa memiliki kesadaran untuk merasakan jeda adalah sebuah keistimewaan sendiri. Hanya untuk semudah menyadarinya saja – atau mungkin hal itu memang tidak mudah untuk kebanyakan orang?

Apakah sesulit itu menahan diri untuk tidak membalas pesan di pagi hari dan hanya menikmati teh dengan tenang?

Apakah sesulit itu untuk menikmati perjalanan dengan kereta cepat yang hanya berlangsung selama tiga puluh menit dari stasiun awal ke stasiun akhir tanpa melihat gadget sama sekali, tidak memikirkan brief yang sedang berjalan, dan hanya menikmati pemandangan di jendela atau di gerbong kereta?

Atau mungkin, hanya untuk menikmati suara-suara yang ada di dalam kepala.

(Lari dan kejar terus hingga dapat.)

(Bagaimanapun caranya, bagaimanapun caranya.)

Kita menciptakan ilusi untuk menjadi yang terbaik diantara yang lainnya, terkadang membuat kita menjadikan semua hal di sekeliling kita terasa seperti lawan dan lupa akan kawan. Ironinya, mungkin kita lupa menjadikan diri sendiri sebagai kawan.

(Sekarang, sekarang, sekarang!)
(Mengapa terdiam ketika bisa bekerja?)

Satu hal yang selalu saya percaya; Bagaimana saya bisa mindful dan berkoneksi dengan orang lain dan semua hal yang saya lakukan, jika saya tidak bisa mindful dan berkoneksi dengan diri saya sendiri?

(Berhenti. Ada jeda di sana.)

Jeda

Saya adalah seorang perfeksionis. Saya selalu ingin semuanya berjalan dengan sesuai dengan apa yang sudah saya rencanakan dan ingin semuanya berakhir sempurna. Sejak mulai produktif berkarya dari sekitar lima tahun lalu, saya selalu merasa tidak boleh ada waktu luang yang terbuang sia-sia. Harus selalu ada cara untuk saya mengisi kerenggangan waktu tersebut untuk mencicil pekerjaan yang sedang saya jalani. Dimana pun saya berada, bagaimana pun caranya, sekecil apapun progres yang bisa saya buat.

Sampai akhirnya belakangan ini saya sadar, bahwa hal tersebut merupakan langkah yang kurang tepat. Mungkin sebenarnya tidak buruk juga, hanya kurang tepat. Hal yang menampar saya betul adalah bagaimana pause atau jeda sebenarnya memiliki kekuatannya sendiri untuk kembali memberikan produktifitas. Di sini saya sadar bahwa kekuatan jeda jauh lebih hebat dari yang saya pikirkan sebelumnya – yang ternyata selama ini seringkali saya remehkan. Mungkin selama ini kekuatan jeda tersebut habis tidak tersisa, termakan oleh perasaan perfeksionis saya.

Saat ini saya mencoba untuk berkomitmen dalam setiap jeda yang saya miliki, untuk bisa memberikan ruang dalam setiap pekerjaan yang saya lakukan dan menggunakannya dengan baik. Mengutip kata-kata Riri Riza, "Kita harus selalu memberikan ruang untuk magic bekerja." Di sini, saya menganggap jeda sebagai ruang di mana si magic akan bekerja dengan sendirinya. Karena memang terkadang di dalam jeda, kita jadi bisa merasakan berbagai macam hal secara lebih mendalam. Bagi saya, di saat kepala sudah dipenuhi dengan berbagai macam hal yang harus segera diselesaikan, saya seringkali lupa untuk merasa. Padahal rasa merupakan salah satu peran terpenting dalam setiap pekerjaan yang saya jalani.

Sejalannya saya menerapkan konsep jeda dalam keseharian, hingga saat ini saya merasa jauh merasa lebih bahagia secara fisik dan mental karena saya tidak terus-terusan memforsir dan menekan diri sendiri untuk melakukan segala hal dalam tempo yang cepat untuk hasil yang sempurna. Satu hal yang saya pelajari dari proses jeda ini juga untuk lebih banyak maklum. Tidak hanya maklum terhadap orang lain yang juga memiliki hak jeda mereka masing-masing, sehingga saya tidak selalu berekspektasi bahwa orang lain akan bisa mencapai standar perfeksionis saya, tapi juga maklum kepada diri saya sendiri. Memaklumi bahwa segala hal tidak harus selalu berjalan dengan kilat, memaklumi bahwa segala hal tidak harus berjalan dengan seratus persen mulus dan sempurna.

Semoga kita semua tidak pernah lupa untuk selalu memberikan ruang jeda, dan membiarkan ruang tersebut bekerja dalam kemagisannya sendiri.

A letter to my 10-year-old self

Halo Naf,

Pasti saat ini kamu sudah di sekolah ya, memikirkan betapa pukul 14.45 masih sangat jauh jalannya. Bagaimana hari ini? Menyenangkan, atau ada yang menganggumu lagi? 

Jangan pernah berlarut terlalu sedih ketika ada yang menggangumu ya, karena sampai saat ini dan sampai kapan pun, pasti akan selalu ada hal yang menggangumu. Akan tetapi, kamu selalu memiliki pilihan untuk membiarkan hal tersebut mengganggumu, atau hanya sebagai tamu yang lewat saja. Pilihan kedua terdengar lebih baik.

Terkadang tidak semua hal bisa berjalan sesuai keinginan kita, tapi percayalah dengan bersabar dan menerima keadaan yang terjadi akan sangat membantumu untuk tidak berlutut kecewa atau sedih. Hal ini akan menjadi batu pijakan yang semakin kuat dan hal tersebut akan sangat bermanfaat untuk fase-fase kehidupan yang harus kamu lewati di masa mendatang. Saat ini sudah cukup banyak fase tersebut sudah berhasil aku lewati, tapi ini belum seberapa. Terima kasih ya, sudah menyiapkan batu pijakan yang cukup kuat untukku hari ini. Walaupun batu tersebut terkadang masih seringkali membuat tergelincir, akan tetapi selalu cukup kuat untuk membuat kembali bangkit.

Psst, aku akan berikan sedikit bocoran. Bersiaplah, akan tetapi jangan takut. Dalam beberapa tahun ke depan, fase roda kehidupan di hidupmu akan berputar cepat sekali. Cepat, sekali. Selama dua tahun kamu bisa berada di bawah, dan setahun selanjutnya kamu berada di atas, semuanya terasa baik-baik saja, kemudian kamu akan berada di bawah lagi. Akan tetapi itu bukan masalah. Percayalah, hal ini akan membuatmu menjadi lebih berpijak kepada bumi dan selalu sadar bahwa semua hal sifatnya sementara. Semua hal. Memang tidak mudah dan sesekali kamu akan menangis, akan tetapi aku yakin kamu sudah menyiapkan bekal yang kuat untuk tidak terus berlarut dalam pilu.

Karena semua hal bersifat sementara, begitupula orang-orang yang ada di sekitarmu. Teman akan silih berganti. Aku tidak akan mengatakan bahwa yang terbaik akan tetap bersamamu, karena nyatanya semesta tidak bekerja seperti itu. Mungkin mereka akan pergi, tapi mereka akan selalu ada jika kamu membutuhkan mereka. Tentang mereka yang menyakitimu? Biarlah. Aku selalu percaya masih ada banyak orang baik di dunia ini, dan orang baik akan selalu dipertemukan dengan orang yang baik pula.

Lalu bagaimana kabar mimpi-mimpimu? Teruslah berani untuk bermimpi, sebesar apapun itu sampai membuatmu takut. Aku ingin mengatakan terima kasih untuk tidak pernah lupa bermimpi dan berimajinasi setiap harinya, karya-karyamu di masa mendatang akan berhutang budi pada dirimu yang selalu membiasakan pikiranmu untuk bermain bebas di dalam mimpi dan imajinasi.

Akhir kata... Bersenang-senanglah, nikmati setiap momen yang kamu miliki.
Tetaplah menari walau terluka, karena luka hanya datang sementara.

The Art of Self Acceptance

Kalau boleh jujur, sama sekali tidak mudah rasanya merangkai dan berbagi cerita ini dalam satu rangkuman blog. Tapi saya percaya, berbagi pikiran dan cerita personal selalu memiliki kekuatannya sendiri. So here goes my side of the story.

Jika dilihat kembali sekitar dua sampai tiga tahun ke belakang, rasanya cukup sedih. Pada tahun-tahun tersebut, saya ingat betul bagaimana saya merasa sangat insecure terhadap diri saya sendiri, terutama pada penampilan dan muka saya. Memang, tidak ada yang salah dengan penampilan atau muka saya secara tampilan fisik. Akan tetapi saya mengalami trauma yang menjalar pada perasaan ketakutan dan aksi saya akan menghindari tatap muka langsung dengan cermin, di manapun saya berada.

Pada tahun-tahun tersebut sangat sulit rasanya setiap kali berada di bangku belakang mobil, menatap cermin spion dan melihat refleksi bibir saya. Saya sangat tidak suka bibir saya. Atau ketika saya sedang berjalan di mall dan berjalan melewati cermin di lorong yang tentu saja langsung saya hindari sebelum saya bisa melihat refleksi diri saya di sana. Saya tidak suka melihat muka saya. Atau ketika tidak sengaja saya melihat refleksi muka saya pada handphone yang sedang mati, kamera depan yang tanpa sengaja terbuka, atau ketika orang lain mengambil foto saya secara tanpa saya sadari. Saya tidak pernah mau melihat hasil foto tersebut, karena saya tidak suka melihat refleksi penampilan saya di sana. Malah terkadang saya langsung merasa kesal dan meminta foto tersebut untuk segera dihapus sebelum saya sempat melihatnya. Saya merasa setidak nyaman dan setidak suka itu dengan muka dan penampilan saya.

Ada beberapa malam yang saya habiskan dengan menangis karena saya tidak suka dengan bibir saya, muka saya, dan penampilan saya. Rasanya kata-kata "Kamu cantik kok" yang terlontar dari orang-orang terdekat saya sangat, sangat, sangat tidak relevan dengan diri saya, sama sekali tidak dapat saya rasakan hal tersebut ada di dalam diri saya.

Titik balik saya dalam proses ini adalah ketika saya secara lambat laun sadar, bahwa membandingkan diri kita dengan orang lain tidak akan ada habisnya. Saya sadar hal ini membuat saya lelah secara fisik dan mental, lelah sekali. Saya akhirnya yakin bahwa hal itu tidak ada gunanya sama sekali. You are you. Secantik atau sehebat apapun seseorang, pasti tetap ada orang yang lebih cantik dan hebat lagi darinya. And the list keep goes on. Saya menyadari betapa banyak figur yang terlihat cantik tanpa kulit putih, bibir tipis kemerahan, bentuk muka yang lancip, atau apapun itu yang sudah biasa menjadi stereotype figur kecantikan. Saya baru kembali menyadari bahwa kebanyakan orang yang selama ini saya anggap cantik, ternyata tidak semua dari mereka memiliki fisik yang "sempurna". Saya sadar kecantikan mereka tercermin dari dalam diri mereka, dari aura positif yang mereka bawa.

Dalam proses penerimaan ini, saya tidak tinggal diam. Saya sadar bahwa semuanya dimulai dari diri sendiri. No one could do it better than our very own self. Saya seringkali menyimpan reminder-reminder di pikiran saya, di wallpaper handphone, di desktop laptop, dan di tempat-tempat yang mudah terjangkau oleh mata saya. Selain itu, dukungan dari orang-orang terdekat juga sangat membantu. Coba ceritakan apa yang menjadi beban pikiran ke orang terdekat yang paling kita percayai, ask for their help to always reminds us about positive thoughts.

Terakhir, jangan pernah lupa untuk bersikap baik kepada semua orang. Hold all of the nasty comments in our heads. Kita nggak pernah tau seberapa besar impact yang akan terjadi dari sebuah komentar kecil pada seseorang. Kind words cost nothing! :)

I'm not the bright kid at school

To my dear pals, 

Whoever you are in the classroom will never define who you are in the world out there.

---

Saya percaya semua, semua orang dilahirkan dengan potensinya masing-masing yang tentu saja berbeda-beda. No one ever born useless. Tinggal kita yang melihat dari mana kita mau melihat peluang potensi itu. Kamu suka berbicara? Kamu berpotensi dalam membangun relasi kemanusiaan. Kamu senang menjadi pusat perhatian? Kamu berpotensi dalam menjadi figur publik. Kamu sering menggambar di belakang buku catatan sekolahmu? Kamu berpotensi dalam seni rupa. Kamu senang menyuarakan pendapatmu? Kamu berpotensi dalam membawa dunia ini menjadi tempat yang lebih baik.

Penjabaran hal ini akan terus berlanjut, dan semua hal-hal sederhana yang ada di sekitar kita ternyata dapat membawa kita ke suatu titik yang tidak pernah kita perkirakan sebelumnya. Sayangnya seringkali hal-hal sederhana ini dianggap sebagai suatu kesalahan di dalam ruang tempat kita "belajar" yang dikenal sebagai ruang kelas di sekolah. Selalu ada pembatas tak berwujud di antara anak-anak tekun yang bernilai tinggi, dan anak-anak "gadungan" yang bernilai rendah. Tentu saja dua kubu ini dilabeli dengan statement-nya masing-masing. Anak-anak tekun akan lulus dengan nilai baik dan mendapat pekerjaan yang layak di dunia luar nanti. Sementara anak-anak gadungan akan lulus dengan seada-adanya dan sulit mencapai "kesuksesan".

Lalu ada apa dengan tanda kutip pada kata-kata di atas? Saya tidak merasa "belajar" yang kita konsumsi di dalam ruang kelas adalah sesuatu yang seharusnya kita konsumsi sebagai pelajaran yang sesungguhnya. Saya tidak merasa anak-anak "gadungan" terlahir tidak berguna dan tidak memiliki masa depan yang baik. Saya percaya "kesuksesan" tidak hanya sekedar nilai di atas kertas. Bagi saya, hal ini merupakan kesalahan besar yang cukup fatal. Saya sangat menyayangkan hal ini sudah menjadi asupan kita semua (termasuk saya sendiri, tentu saja) yang sudah terbentuk dari dulu, dulu, dulu.

Berbagai kesempatan berharga yang saya dapat dalam kurun waktu secepat ini mengajarkan saya tentang keadaan di dunia luar sesungguhnya. Teman-teman dari berbagai latar belakang yang berbeda menuturkan kisahnya dari sisi pandang mereka masing-masing. Seiring berjalannya waktu, pola dalam pemikiran saya seakan semakin terlengkapi. Nyatanya, tidak semua teman-teman yang bisa memimpin dengan hebat memiliki angka yang bagus dalam buku rapor sekolah. Di sisi lain ada juga teman-teman yang memiliki kesempatan untuk mendapat pendidikan ke luar benua Asia secara cuma-cuma karena pencapaiannya yang baik di sekolah. Hal ini mengajarkan saya bahwa kenyataan akan masa depan nanti ditentukan murni oleh diri kita sendiri, murni atas pilihan kita masing-masing.

Melalui tulisan ini, saya tidak bermaksud membela satu belah kubu. Memang saya tidak pernah suka dengan sekolah dan sering mengelak dengan segala hal yang berjalan di dalamnya, akan tetapi saya tidak mengatakan entah teman-teman yang berpotensi atau tidak di dalam kelas sebagai suatu kesalahan. Kembali lagi pada perkataan saya sebelumnya, saya percaya semua orang memiliki potensinya masing-masing. Tinggal bagaimana kita melihatnya. Tidak hanya sekali dua kali saya merasa iri dengan teman-teman yang bisa lebih berpotensi dalam hal ketekunan belajar. Saya pun mengagumi hal tersebut, akan tetapi saya sadar bahwa pencapaian setiap orang berbeda-beda termasuk pencapaian saya sendiri.

Set your goal right. Semuanya akan kembali kepada siapa dirimu sesungguhnya. It will always, always be one sharp point that the world will see and it remains forever. Remember – always lift up the wildness inside you. Don't let it die.

Blast of 2016

I like to keep track of the things I did in a year, as today is the first day of the new year I would like to break down a few moments and achievements that I have gained in the past year. To be honest, I was kind of upset when it got to the end of the year. My year was tough, a lot of unpredictable shits happened, and I didn't got as much as achievements as I planned before. I feel like I haven't done enough that year, but before it's getting to midnight I tried to scrolling down my photo gallery and tried to remember stuff that I have done in 2016. It also helps me to feel grateful for what I have done, and feel enough.

And yes, here goes the timeline of things that I have done in the past year.

I kind of losing track of what I have been doing in the first three months of the year, as far as I remember I was busy preparing contents for the 13th issue of my magazine. On the middle of March, I went to a local music festival that happened to be one of my favorite –– Music Gallery. I was really cherishing that moment as my first time watching MALIQ & D'Essentials live music gig. It may be cheesy, but it was my bucket list since 2010 and I finally accomplished it that night. Thank you, Music Gallery! One of the best music festival, indeed.

April was fun! I took a national exam on the first dates of April, followed by a little celebration that I did with my classmates. We went to karaoke and bought lots of chicken wings, fries, and churros – gossiping about nonsense and laughing at things. The next day, I paid a visit to Singapore and attending Singapore Art Book Fair. This time I went to Singapore and only visited lots of book and record store and it all was good. I managed  to bought some records as I also planned to buy a turntable player later in Jakarta's Records Store Day in the middle of April. To end the month, I went to Tame Impala concert with a few friends.

A note from this month, as one of the moment that I want to keep is the moment when I went to dinner with a group of good friends. It was right the night before my national exam. They never fails to be one of my support system and I could never thank them enough for what we have done together.

May. My favorite month of the year, which also my birthday. I was planning to spent my birthday differently this year. I managed to wandering around the city by myself one full day. To start the morning, I went to but first coffee in Dharmawangsa followed by lunch in Umabo (which already closed now, I'm sad). After that I went RUCI's Gallery to attend Anton Ismael's exhibition. On the evening, I went to a closed succulant plant garden in Fairgrounds. Before I end the day, I got a message from my friends to meet them in a coffee shop at Kemang, so I drove off there. And yes, they have prepared a surprise for me! And also a bunch of amazing gift that they made – call it a collaborative mixtape, a poster with my face drawn there, and postcards. One of the best birthday with the very first surprise I have ever got from a friend.

In the middle of May, me and my Knacker friends went to Malang for a short trip and attending Folk Music Festival which held by our friend. We were wandering around Batu and around the city, and stayed in a capsule hotel for the first time. I wrote down the experience here. It was a very good experience to plan off a holiday with your good friends.

Before May ends, I was attending a press conference of M83, a french electronic band in Fairmont Jakarta. I met Anthony Gonzalez himself as he was attending the press conference. One of the priceless experience I had this year.

I finally left high school marked by a school graduation on early June. The night after graduation, me with a few friends left for Bandung for a short trip. We went to Kineruku, one of my favorite indie bookstore and cafe, and ate seafood. In the middle of June, I started to join Indoestri Long + Haul program for the next 6 weeks and started doing yoga. Me and my classmates were also planning to hike Mount Mahameru.

On July, right before we went off to Malang for Mahameru, I found out about my backbone ache. The doctor said that I have a serious scoliosis. The fact made me kind of shock and worries, and for more further reasons, I cancelled my trip to hike Mount Mahameru. I do regretting the decision I made back then, but my condition made it impossible for me to go.

Some time before I graduated my 6 week course in Indoestri Long + Haul, I was helping out a friend as an event public relation, holding social media and copywriting jobs. The event was called Social Design for Social Living, a design exhibition created by communities in Indonesia (including Jatiwangi Art Factory) and Poland in National Gallery of Indonesia. I was also working with curators from Poland for the event. It was one of my turning point and big achievement that year.

August was also a month that I have been waiting for, because – summer music festival! Like the year before, I went to We The Fest for the second time this year. This time I went there with my best friends. Even though the rain won't stop pouring on the two days of We The Fest, we do still have fun and feel so happy for the event! I also checked off my bucket list to watch Breakbot and The Temper Trap live set.

On this month I also bought my first pocket analog camera and tried out my first ever 35mm roll. Turns out, my photos on the first roll were unexpectedly good! You can see a few of my analog shoots here or on my Instagram.

I started off to college on September. I was very nervous, of course. It was my first time again adapting with a new surrounding after almost four years. As the time goes, it all went pretty well. My group of friends on the class was good and I enjoy talking with them. And I finally experienced it myself how tough it is to be a graphic design student. It's not as easy as only drawing what you want, dear friends. I have warned you.

Another music festival I experienced this year was on October – Synchronize Fest! Another good local music festival presented by Demajors. The line-up were set up very well and it seems like this will be one of my favorite music festival. I attended the festival with my boyfriend and I really love the ambience there. Most of the line-up were indie musicians and you can see them everywhere like it was so normal, wandering around the venue while chit-chatting, also watching the other band performances. There was no gap between the audience and the performers, which I really like.

On the last two months of the year, two of my favorite films were releasing their new movie serials. On November, Warner Bros Studios was realising a new series from Harry Potter film which is Fantastic Beast and Where To Find Them. Finally after years, I got to see Harry Potter movie on the cinema again. My boyfriend made me watch it on the first release day in 4Dx3D cinema. I am a happy kid, indeed.

Last month of the year! On December, Disney was realising Rogue One: A Star Wars Story and yes I watched it on the first day again. Surely it was one of the best Star Wars movie and one of my favorite. In my honest opinion, this Rogue One is better than any Star Wars series. Best, unexpecting, and mind-blowing film. This month I also preparing up a lot of stuff with my team for my magazine. We will be releasing a lot of plans on 2017. Please do wish us luck. Fingers crossed!

I do hope all of the dreams and plans that I haven't accomplish in 2016 could be come true this year. I am going to make 2017 as my year! I hope you guys are also having a great new year. Cheers.



(read more of my tracklogs: 2014 and 2015)

Story About the Butterfly

There was a time when I met a man with good thoughts. That one time, he taught me about the butterfly effect – how a small touch could make a really big difference.

As someone who is working in art and design on daily basis, this little piece always helps me on the creative process. Whenever I feel like there is something missing from the work, I always try to give it a little touch of this butterfly effect. Surprisingly, it always works.

This, is something that I always stick to my mind and one of the strong reason why I never forget this man.

When you met someone and they made a good impression in you, you wont be able to forget the person. Let's say, we forget their name but we will never forget their look – and moreover – their piece out thoughts, right?

Then be one.

Between hijab, equality rights, and freedom issues

I am not the kind of a very good person or intellect enough to give a preachment — because I am not even trying to give a preachment — I just want to share a piece of my thoughts through this article, this is how I think through issues.

I started wearing hijab since I started Junior High School. My parents never forced me to wear hijab. My high school back then also one-of-a-kind of school that never forced the students to do this and that and teaching us to be responsible with the choices we take in life instead. At that time, there was a moment when I felt like I need it and to be responsible with my religious obligations, so I thought that was the time when I need to start wearing hijab. It was not difficult to get adapted with my surroundings at that time because almost all of them were Muslim and wearing hijab as well. I still remember the happy faces they made once they found out I started to wearing hijab.

One day, there was a time when I started to going through a new surroundings, leaving my comfort zone behind. I met a lot of new people with various backgrounds and almost all of them were older than me. By various backgrounds I really mean VARIOUS backgrounds – this is the point when I felt like the world is so biiiig! As the time goes on, I figured out that knowing them is a new thing, but adapting with them is the other new thing. I really enjoyed sharing minds with them and I really like their way of thinking. This is how I started to learn more about the freedom to speak up for your own opinion and shout it out to the world.

Until today, this is how my surroundings has created my mindset. People always say to be aware in choosing the right friends for you. Well I did. It never crossed my mind just because this is how the way I think made them as the wrong friends for me. The more I learn, the more I understand that this is also how my closest surroundings, which is my family, also rising me in the same mindset.

Back to talking about the hijab issues. For me, going to concerts or hanging out with boys are okay – as long as we know the limits and know how to protect ourselves. Some people found that it is not appropriate for someone who is wearing veil to go to concerts, dancing, and even singing to the music.

For me, this is how the thing goes. All of us are the same, we are humans. Just because some of us covering our heads under a veil, that doesn't mean we are trying to be seen as a good or religious person. We are just trying to be a better person for ourself and our own beliefs. I know that everybody also trying to be a better person and for me, wearing veil is one of some many ways to reach the goal. There is only one thing that makes all of us different – it is only the matter of ways in how we try to reach the goal. Difference doesn't always mean a bad thing, right? I know a lot of great, good, smart people who doesn't wear hijab. Because it does not define who we are. Darling, the world is so big.

We never know what makes a person become a person or what kind of life they experiencing, so just let it be. Sometimes the things that is right for us could be wrong for other people. And sometimes we can't see why is it wrong for them – where actually, it's just all about our surroundings and how it creates our mindset. And so do this article. You can disagree with the thing that I wrote down in here and it is totally okay because we all have our own rights to understand one and another thing.

"Today, seven billion people experienced this day in a different way."

See you on the next post!

illustration via weheartit

March's Bucket of Blessings

So far, March has been a real tough month for me. But hey, when life gives you lemon, there is always something good about it, right? Yes - you can make a lemonade out of it. In between the difficulties, there's also the marvelous things happened. The same thing happened in my life, this month. Here below I want to share the most unpredictable things happened in the month of March.

Me and a few friends currently working a video campaign for one of Jakarta's online motorbike application company. We did the storyline and concepting which turns out to be really good. The story once inspired by one of the driver who turns out to be a man with limitations to speak.

In this project, I was appointed to be the talent officer. I am responsible to manage and prepare the talents before the shooting day, contact them, and so on. This makes me have a lot of chance to talk with Pak G*, the driver man. The first time I phoned him was on the shooting day, when I wanted to ask his current location. And it was really magical. With his limitations to speak, he still tried his best to tell his current location.

photo taken by Sabila Anata on shooting day

Once he arrived on the shooting location, we greeted him and he seems kind of confused at first. I lead him to wait at the talent room with the others. There, with a bunch of other crew and talent friends, we were talking and joking and I'm glad that he was into the conversation and sometimes even laughed. As the time went on that day, I could feel that he was more adapted with his surroundings. Until the end of the day, he seemed really happy. His happy face simply makes me feel happy and grateful. It was a really priceless emotions.

In between the shooting, we also talked about his personal life. It all was like a hit to me, a big self reminder. When we feel like at our worst, always remember that someone out there is carrying an even more big problem than ours. Like, with all of the things we have now... Perfect body and good life, for me it's kind of unfair if sometimes we still think that we are the worst person on earth. Remember to always appreciate the little things, dear friends.

big family of the talents and crew that day, with Megan held the camera

There are two sides to every story.

At one time, someone taught me a life-trick. We are living in a world where we have to be the one that need to follow things, instead of hoping the world would follow after us. Playing the game of life, you can't always hoping for everyone to like you. Every single of us certainly have that one person who dislike us and it's totally okay. What we need to do is trying to adapt in any kind of situation with any kind of people. Which is a good idea for me and I keep it in mind. 

The other day, I had dinner with a couple of friends and we just got at the moment where we were talking about the same topic.

"Nope, it's different for me. I would let the world follow after me. I always have this one thing I keep in mind; where in a box full of needles, grey and sharp needles, there is always this one tiny, red needle. When someone opens the box, this red needle is the one that they see at the first glance.” he said, reacted to my opinion.

And I also agreed.

His opinion makes me think again about the idea of truly being ourselves and having a strong character, not only keeping up with the world. Sometimes we do need to make the world follow after us. Let them follow us. Be inspiring.

It’s a really good idea to be different from the others and it’s not a bad thing, as long as we know the limits of ‘being different’. Because we all know that being ’too different’ wont do any good either too to our surroundings and the world. 

After I think about it all over again, the 'red-needle' people somehow always stand out in the crowd like they have this kind of attractive power that reflects from their beautiful minds. It really does. Maybe for the world, their appearance or passing-look are not as attractive as those beauty darlings, but once we know them, they will eventually stole this one space in our mind that makes us always remember them and the words they said. We will let ourselves inspired by them. 

I do have some friends that somehow always inspire me. I like the way they look on daily basis, the way they think and react to people, how they spill out their thoughts and things inspire them to the world, and so on. It’s always attractive and no matter what they do, we always know that it’s really ‘their own style'. They have this strong-different character that always inspire people because yes, they are the red-needle people.

One thing I learn from the conversation is how we should not be afraid to show the world about who we truly are. Don’t let your own self always follow after the world, but let the world follow after you. Always remember to stay close with people who makes you feel glad to be alive and surrounds yourself with the beautiful souls. 

Yours truly,

N

Priorities x Procrastinate

They say, there's no one ever be too busy. It's just about priorities.

And yes it's true.

On the last few months, I never spent a day without getting my works done. It's all about setting up schedule and to-do list, doing this and that and if I can't complete a task on that day, I continue it on the next day. It goes around just like that. Getting shit done. But like, literally. I felt bored of course, sometimes in the middle of the task I was wondering to procrastinate by watching movies but it's just doesn't feel right and wasting too much time. Yes it was so sad.

And so on. Every night when I just got home, not so long after that I'm back in front of my laptop and getting things done, again. It's really exhausting, I know. Okay let's say I still got much time to meet my friends, hanging out and stuff. But behind this, there's a bunch of things that I have to complete before I go.

Well maybe you are bored enough reading the 'getting shit done' words all over again. Okay, hang on there because I'm going to spill out the good things. And the good thing is, I feel so much free now. I feel like a real freelancer. Much happier, much free time, much time spent with my family and friends.

YAY!

Actually I didn't know/realize exactly how things thing start and how this happened. After I think about it all over again, this is how; these days I wasn't getting less of work, I still got a bunch of it, what I do now is only I being productive, not busy. One day I went out for work, one day I stayed home just eating stuff and watching movies. One day I went out to spent my day with family or friends, one day I stayed home just getting my works done. It feels so much efficient and productive. And happy, of course. I'm not pretty sure what I did until this happened, maybe it's just my schedule not as tight as the past months, probably, but here's the thing I did that makes me feel much efficient these days and because sharing is fun, here we go:

Pint up your daily schedule

Whether you want to pint it on your desk calendar, laptop calendar or using post it and stick it to your working table, just pint it up. Just make sure the place you pint it is the place you always looking at so you wont forget and it helps your mindset to keep things on priorities. And don't forget to write down the little things. Day one, lunch at cafe with a friend / day two, buy this book at the book store / day three, shooting day / and so on.

Write down the little things

Okay there's two different things that I want to take on this point. The first one, write down the things that you are going to do that day in a to-do list even the simplest thing like 'Ask X about the cooking recipe'. For a forgetful person like me, this idea does help. Try it yourself!

The second thing is to write the little things about your day or about your passing thoughts. It helps you to relieve the things that runs on your mind. You can share it through your social media and I'm pretty sure people would love to read it. You know that beautiful mind inspire the others. Just, never forget to appreciate the little things!

And if your schedule is really tight at the moment, just never forget this point ;

Ask some friends to hanging out!

Come on, don't be too hard on yourself. Spend your time just working on the task won't do any good to you, it makes you get bored with your job more quickly and moreover, stressing you out. No, no, no! To make it more simple, just ask a friend you feel comfortable the most to go out for a lunch / vinyl hunting / window shopping / and the other unnecessary things that could help you forget about task for a little while.

Hope it helps! Stay close with your family and friends because they are the ones that matters the most.

Love,

N

My definition of a new year

Happy new year!

I have a bit different meanings for new year. Besides that I'm not a person who likes to celebrate new years eve on 31st of December with fireworks and BBQs, it's just never feels right for me to get a new resolution every 1st of January or such as thing. Okay, I can say that every 1st of January I always whispering to myself that I have to be better this year, well that's all..

But in this case, what I really like to say as a new year is the day when the number on my age changed. Here I can really meant it that I've became someone older and I've left the past year behind. I'm going to start a new chapter of life, new adventures and more positive mind. The day before I get older, I always looking back at things that I've went through that year. The good and the bad things. The joyful memories and the hurtful ones. The new friends and life lessons.

It's still the second month of the year, about three months to go until the day when the number on my age changed. Maybe I'll be going to add another new stories below, but right now when I have much time to write it down here, let's start over.

The new chapter starts at the third day of national exam. That morning, the second I opened my eyes, there's a wrapped gifts standing on my desk. A really sweet presents - terrariums themed birthday greetings written by the whole family and three books of Haruki Murakami's. Back then there's this one person who always coloring my days and before the d-day, he asked me what I'd love to get for a birthday present. DIY things was my answer and so he did, at the d-day he secretly put a birthday card (that he made by himself) inside my backpack. Another one sweet thing happened that day also a friend of mine surprisingly brought me a bag full of snacks and a letter. I ended the day with taking a commuter-line and bought a flower for myself on the way home.

Not so long after that day, I got accepted to be one of Indonesian Youth's comittee, which is also one of the big start for me that brings lots of luck until today. And so I spent the past year mostly with them and myself as the youngest comittee. I met a lot of new people with marvelous backgrounds also tons of memories. Also with my creative team in Knacker Magazine I launched some magazine issues last year. One of my favorite issue, Knacker #11 got the highest reads than ever before. Also in this issue, I met new creative friends that still being a good friend until today.

They say, when life gives you lemon - make lemonade. And what is life without lemons, right? As the time went, there's some drama things happened to me in one and another place. It's too hurt too spill it out again the details in here, besides I'm trying to forgive & forget the memories. But not so long after the drama, until now, I have found new joyful things with my new surroundings. Well at the end, it was okay.

Towards the end of 2015, Indonesian Youth Conference, the event that I've mentioned before has successfully held at November. I also got accepted to be one of the Liasion Officer (LO) at Indoestri Makerspace - a really nice place for creative people, maker of things and independent business owner. Yes, I feel so thankful for all of this. I can say that this year was my year!

It was a crazy and so-called life changing year so far. I must be really grateful the most for Knacker Magazine & my team as the starter for all of the adventurous things I've been through this far. I can say this year was the year I feel free yet to be responsible for my own self. The year when I went to gig the most, hanging out with friends, setting up schedule and more. This year, I tried a lot of stuff that I've never tried before and it was pretty nice to figure out new things. Well there's still 3 months to come and I will definitely updating this post for more unpredictable joyful things to come!

Last but not least, I want to say thank you to everyone who has become part of my adventurous year. Everyone, the ones who brings joy nor sadness (guys you make me strong!), and of course, you!

Yours truly,

N

In this past year I've learned that there's so many kind of people and way of thinking.
Every people you met has their own perspective in things that you can't change,
yet each of them are unique in their own way.

Every time this thing came across my mind,
Every now and again, I feel so thankful.

In this whole world full of people and way of thinking,
I know a bunch of people that appreciate what I am doing right now,
Appreciate my works,
Appreciate my existence.

Even though sometimes, their way of thinking is different with mine.
But still, they do appreciate.
They are the people who makes me feel alive,
the people who makes me feel thankful for this life.


Once again, thank you.


both image via tumblr.

Neptunus

Menyadari Kugy yang ada di dekatnya, Keenan pun menoleh. 

Mendapatkan Kugy yang samar diterangi cahaya langit, tersenyum padanya.

Di matanya, keindahan pagi yang sejak tadi ia nikmati tiba-tiba memperoleh saingan.



"Kugy, Kecil, mau nggak kamu nulis dongeng lagi?"

Kugy menelan ludah. "Aku mau, asal kamu mau melukis lagi."

"Aku mau. Demi Pilik," bisik Keenan. Demi kamu.

"Demi Pilik," Kugy balas berbisik. Dan demi kamu.


— Dee Lestari, Perahu Kertas (2009)

Currently Listening to

"Di dalam hidup ada saat untuk berhati – hati atau berhenti berlari / Tawamu lepas dan tangis kau redam di dalam mimpi yang kau simpan sendiri / Sumpah serapah yang kau ucap tak kembali / Tak kembali / Semua harap yang terucap akan kembali / Akan kembali / Saat kau menerima dirimu dan berdamai dengan itu / Kau menari dengan waktu tanpa ragu yang membelenggu."

—

On the last few days I keep on replaying Taifun album by BARASUARA.

The first time I heard it, I was really amazed. 

Its music and lyrics are beyond beautiful, 

I am so thankful to God Indonesia has a lot of talented local bands.

I have no much words to describe this album, 

the pieces of my heart flew away with all of the words

everytime I heard the songs.

For those who haven't heard Taifun album yet, 

I really recommend you to catch a listen really soon.

You won't regret it, I promise.

Huge greetings to Indonesia creative industries.

Sometimes there's too many things going inside my head.

It feels like the lights that blinking along the New York Times Square.

And sometimes, I feel like turning it off.

With a blink of eye, let it be dark and all black.



Like a chloroform, it all buried at once whenever I feel like to shut it off.

No sound, no noise, no lights.

I will let my brain rest from all of the thoughts.



In the dark, I left a little light with me.

It binds me with the promise

Once I finished the rest, I have to turn on all of the lights again.



It's like the one little light give me hope.

It embraces me with spirits.

It's just a little light.

But it is the one that give the biggest impulse to me.



Dear you,

If you read this,

I just want you to know,

You are the little light that shine out of me.

Stay gold.




image taken from picslist.com

Sometimes when I feel like giving up,

It makes a lot of pressure to me.

There's a lot of things that seems so hard and so unclear,

I feel like not being myself,

I feel strange.

I feel like I didn't want to do this anymore,

I cried, I feel angry with myself, I feel broken.

I failed.


But on the other side,

I know.

If I give up now, all of this tears and madness would be useless.

Otherwise,

If I choose to get up now, all of this tears and shit will going to be worth one day.

And yes, it's true.

Because that's just how things work — it's our choice.

To be patient, or to be fragile as glass.



It doesn't matter how many times you fall,
Because what matters is how many times you get up, and get going.



And today,
I choose to get up.
Again.


Because I don't want all of this shit just being shit.
It has to be worth, one day.



Failure doesn't break us,
It makes us stronger.